Ok so um yeh my first post on here, well my new blog anyway. Pretty strange. Oh well i'm not gonna bother will all the mumbo jumbo and write this blog for its purpose intended, help me clear my head and my thoughts.

The past week has been a whirlwind of emotions, up and down very fast and my poor body didn't know what had hit it and it's only now i'm catching up to the past week's events. I spent it as an inmate in hospital, for longer than my usual 3 days, simpley because I couldn't fight them any longer and i've been putting this off for over a year now so I might as well get it over with. Bad idea.

I decided as I was going to be an inmate i should be alowed out in the afternoons, which suprisingly they agreed too. So in the afternoons i went out to Cris's house, now Cris is my ex boyfriend, long term best friend and current best friend. But i still have feelings for him as i never really moved on from me and him. i think because of how we ended i never really got any closeur. We were on and off for a few weeks, then off but remained best friends, so i didn't get a real sense that i had lost him from my life. But he has recently broken up with Kerri, now i love this girl to death, she is amazing. But she hurts him, and plays with his emotions alot. But this time he was over her, or so he said. So one thig lead to another between me and him. Not a very wise move on my part i have to admit. But all the old feelings coming back and the heat of the moment so yes. But i came home for the weekend on friday, only to find out they were thinking of getting back together. Now that hurt so much because i feel so used. Like i was just there to fill the gap when Kerri wasn't there. But i can forgive him, i just want him to be happy. So now i'm left here thinking about what i should do. Everyone is telling me to cut all ties, at least for a while, and try to move on with my life. But Cris has been such a huge part of my life for such a long time, it is quite frankly scary to think about my life without him being right there centre stage with me. It would be like having to learn how to live without my arm or something. He is a very central part of my life and i owe alot of my life to him and for him getting me through alot in my life. So thinking about him not there scares the hell out of me. But maybe it's what i would need to do. Learn to stand on my own two feet, make my own choices and help myself through everything instead of asking him for help and advice. But isn't that what best friends are for? I mean I help him alot, i give advice, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to him practise him guitar, and a silly person to mess about with. So losing him would be very strange. I havn't made up my mind on what to do yet.

The other reason this week has been up and down, is due to Jonathan (or J). He was in hospital with me on numerous occasions. He cheered me up alot in that place, and he also taught me how to sneek into the celing without being seen or caught at all. For that trick i owe him alot of missed school, so thanks to J the children of tommorow will no longer have to endure the horrible teachers of the hospital school. But i havn't seen him in almost 6 months and tada he was in this week along with me. That really cheered me up on monday to see him sitting in the treatment room trying to take his own blood on monday when i arrived. But the horrible fact of this illness had finally caught up with him and on monday night when we were chatting I finally realised how ill he had become. J had never been one of the 'well ones' he was always in and out of hospital, even as a baby. But still at 17 you think that is just him and he will be fine. Not this time. It hurt to see such resoloution on his face that he wouldn't be here for much longer. To see a 17 year old know his only fate is death hurts so much, especially when you share such amazing bonds and memories with them. so in due course of the week we gave the nurses hell, had alot of laughs and alot of heart to hearts. On thursday evening when coming home from Cris's i found him in bed, not well with al his family there, i spent most of the next few hours there and all of that night to let his parents rest. I went home on friday knowing that i may never see him again. And i was right. I got the phone call last night just before midnight. J had died around 8pm. I feel unbelievably priveleged to have spent this last week with him. It will stay with me in my memories forever. He was an amazingly funny guy who had the answer to anything. My favourite was that when i was about 13 i asked him why the world was round and not flat, he said 'Cause god couldnt be arsed to use a rollin pin to make it flat, he said it would take too long'. I mean who the hell thinks up answers like that?! But anyway, J's death brought home the harsh reality of CF and its really scaring me right now. But it also made me think about my life and what i want out of it. He had such ambition and drive to do what he wanted when he wanted. He didn't let anyone stop him. I love that about him. It made things so much more fun. So J if you can read this i will miss you alot and thank you for allowing me to share your final days with you.

Take care all

Naoishe

xxx