Well Christmas is over for yet another year. Kinda scary to think that a full year has gone so fast! But also lovely because 2006 has been a wonderful year! At the beginning I was expecting it to be pants but it turned out amazing. I went to POTC2 Premiere, I passed my driving test, I got excellent GCSE results, I became a godmother, but most of all I am still alive a year later without needing to be listed for transplant yet. That is a major achievement in my books! 2006 also had it's downs, but when I'm old (and not wrinkley, botox is a wonderful thing!!) I will always remember the highs, not the lows.

But back to Christmas. I came home from hospital on Thursday and felt rather well so decided I would take advantage and do lots. Big mistake so I spent Christmas eve on the sofa under my duvet resting and even got dad to do my physio for me! It was so worth it though on Christmas day. This year my entire extended family all decided to return home for Christmas. It was magical! We went to see Kayne after much present opening was done (after finally getting to sleep at the horrible hour of 4am and woke again at 6, opps!). He was too young to know it was christmas but did love the fact that winnie the pooh sang songs, ok I have to admit I was more so than him but still! We then headed to my dad's mum's house to see family there. It was utter mayhem! But lovely all the same. Me and my two cousins, dad and my uncles mark and connor all decided that then would be a wonderful time to try out mark's new flying aeroplane thingi. Um no. We ended up froze outside so decided to try it in the living room (I should point out my gran's living room is HUGE!) I think the last count of times people were hit was 13. Yes we were wonderful at it! It was however highly amusing so was well worth it. Then on to my other grandparents house for dinner. We arrived and I promptly fell asleep on the sofa until dinner was ready (this may or may not have been a tactic to avoid being sociable but I still needed the sleep). Granny as usual made a gorgeous christmas dinner (I am a sucker for my granny's cooking at the best of times!). I decided to eat more than my weight in food which everyone thought rather funny that a tiny person could eat so much, yet mum still thought I needed calogen grrr! But between dinner and desert I fell asleep on dad's knee. He kicked me off though once I started to wriggle because I am quite boney. Oh well it was good while it lasted! Desert was then made specially for me because I wanted it (yes I know I am spoilt but good spoilt not bad spoilt!). So after opening more presents and chatting for a bit we headed home so I could rest as by this point I was ready to fall in a heap and pass out. So once home I slept again then watched ridiclous amounts of two pints of larger. It was great!

Boxing night my mad mother decided to invite all family over for drinks. Me, ryan and connor ended up in my room playing the 360 and geting very drunk. Thankfully all grandparents had left by the time we got to the point of 'I really need to sleep or be sick now!' It was a very good night though and we did be sociable for a while. I think the adults were just as drunk as us though! Four people slept in my bed that night and somehow no-one killed each other. Quite a thing when all four of us are very restless sleepers!

I am incredibly proud of how I held up over the Christmas period though. I manged to have a wonderful time yet manage to take care of myself at the same time. Normally it's one or the other as once I start enjoying things I forget to rest! I did start some orals on Wednesday to combat a rather lovely cough I have but hopefully they will work and no IV's will be needed! After leaving hospital I was at my lowest weight ever and still havn't managed to put any on but that will take time!

I am now really looking forward to 2007!! So that is all for now.
Happy new year all and I hope everyone had a wonderful christmas!
Neesh
x

The little things!

It's the little things you miss when you are in hospital. I've spent the past week in there. Normally I never spend more than 3 days but this time I wasn't getting let loose, even with my tantrums, huge amounts of tears until I got to the point I couldn't breathe, and much not speaking to them and locking myself in my room (No, I am in no way whatsoever childish). I should actually explain why I behaved so badly, even for me. I went into hospital on Friday for two weeks, on two conditions, I was allowed out in the afternoons after physio and IV's and that I was allowed home for the weekend. Monday comes and my consultant and the ward sister walk into my room (never ever a good sign) so I immediatly get put in a bad mood. They then say that I'm not allowed out, and my consultant then has the cheek to turn round and say that he never agreed to either condition the previous week at clinic. They also used the pretty dam mean scare tactics to try and scare me into thinking they were right. Pretty much I had had enough so started screaming and told them to leave me alone. I then ring mum who gets incredibly upset because it's not nice having your 17 year old daughter in tears down the phone to you when you are and hour and a half away in work. So she rings dad. Now my dad is very calm and rational, he normally sides with the hospital on most things. But not this. This he was furious over. Mostly because by the time he had gotten to ring me, a few more members of the CF team had been in to tell me how wrong I was and that I was staying in no matter what. So he was royally pissed at the fact that they had all ganged up on me, changed their minds on a week ago and had left me dissolved in tears scared to death. Me and my mum are the two things that you do not screw with in my dad's life. As much as I can hate him at times he will always be my daddy, the one who taught me how to ride my bike, the one who roll down the big hills with me no matter how muddy they were, the one who passed out when I got my first long line put in, and the one who's cuddles will always make me feel so safe. But he rang the hospital and pretty much had a hell of alot out with them but agreed that they would meet on Wednesday to talk properly, but for now I was allowed out. So they came up on monday night, mostly just to calm me down and keep me company. I was in no fit state to drive anywhere so going out was out of the question anyway. I spent Tuesday not speaking to anyone except having a big falling out with the head physio and my dad telling her where to go and that she wasn't to treat me ever again (yay for that). I spent Tuesday evening out with Cris. It brought me back to reality. Until then I had been living in the CF hospital world bubble. I hate that bubble. It's so unsafe, it leads to scary trails of thought. But just the normality of being out of the hospital environment was lovely. So I went back all ready for the meeting. Picture the scene, me and my parents one side of the confrence table, my entire CF team on the other. Me and mum were reduced to tears by the end of it and my dad was again royally pissed. It did however let all of us vent some of our annoyances with the hospital (ie they enforce segregation yet none of the nurses wash their hands, they say it's good for you but 5 days in and my weight had plumeted to an all time new low and I was in a really bad state mentally). But we did come to an agreement about my treatment. All I can say is bring on the adults. I had decided that I wasn't looking forward to moving, but after this week the sooner the better in my books. I still havn't spoken to very many of my CF team and don't think I will until I leave as they have really pissed me off and upset me.

Hmm that ended up rather long winded but I guess I needed to get it out of my system as it has been annoying me. But update on health, lung functions up a bit (as much as they'd be if I was at home) weight is now at a new all time low (41kg, I can now see all of my ribs and every bit of my spine, its not a nice sight) and my sats are still pretty low. So all in all IV's are not doing a very good job, except proving my point that hospital isn't better than home. Mostly because I'm not going mad at home and heading right back to where I was months ago. They also suggested I see Kate, she is our CF psychologist, instead of Pete. To which I oh so polietly told them to f off that Kate was useless and I wouldn't be here today without Pete. This didn't however stop them sending her down. Que locking of oneself in her room and putting a chair there so even once they unlocked it from their side they still couldn't get in :D So all in all this has to be one of the most pants times I've spent in there. I did however get to meet Drew. Every so often one of us regulars stubles upon a newbie that isn't in very often. it's fun to get to know them and to show them the ropes up there. Drew is 17 and has only been in 3 times, none of which were CF related. So he was pretty innocent in the workings of the CF unit. I think I've taught him well as by Wednesday night he was the one dragging me out of my room to have a laugh in the kitchen, or rather watch him dive though a hole in the wall into the gym. I swear he has the mind of a 5 year old. But it's fun! So he was a positive thing to come out of hospitalness.

I've been away from Kayne for a full week now. Not happy. I intend on calling in tommorow to see him. Mum said he's gotten really big now and is alot more alert which is all good. I went to the disney shop while I was in hospital too. Good job all his stuff is still in my car. My mother may just kill me but I dont care hehe.

Anyway gonna go here waffled on long enough.
xxxx

Busy

The past week has been pretty hetic. Saturday was the christianing, which was for want of a better word, amazing. Just very lovely and sweet. It's nice having the family together (bar the ones in england who weren't there). It was also lovely see Connor with Kayne, I havn't seen them together since Kayne was born. So to see Connor dote over his little brother was just very sweet and also re-assured me that Kayne does have a pretty decent set of godparents who worship him hehe. I was shattered by the end of the day though so Sunday came as a very welcome relief. I didn't get dressed all day. It was great. I sat in front of the fire. Friends and family called in to say hi and generally be very lovely. But bar that I done very, very little. Actually I did. I ate. Alot. It was brillent. So I had a very lovely birthday just chilling and seeing all the people I love. Monday and Tuesday however were a huge disaster. Apparntly my lungs had decided that they had been good for long enough and now was pay back. I was quite fine with that actually. I just slept for most of them. Very bad point though, my previously appetite of a horse, has now been reduced to that of a mouse. Rather annoying but hey. Anyways back at school on Wednesday, and I have managed to achieve a new record for me this year. 3 full days in a row where I havn't been off or be sent home. So proud of that fact. It was mostly due to my friends being as per usual amazing, at least one of them left their class early to come fetch me, carry my oxygen and if I needed, push me in the school wheelchair. My teachers also insisted I didn't take notes and photocopied them all for me. I was told no homework, and threatneded by Mr L that if I done any we would lose our party today. So I done very little. I am so grateful for having such amazing friends and teachers and people around me that make things that bit easier. Without them I know I couldn't do this without them. But even after all that I was shattered. School now seems to take alot more out of me. I'm not sure why but it does. My school and parents both agree that maybe I should take a while out and see if my health improves. I see where they are coming from but I am determined not to. I will stay in school, I will finish school, and I WILL go to university at the same time as my friends. CF will not stop me being a normal teenager.

Thats another thing. As of Sunday I am no longer a child. I mean 16 can still be called a kid, you are still young and innocent and stuff. But 17. No that's almost 20, coming out the end of the teenage years. I now need to find a new excuse for my tantrums hehe. But thinking about it, it seems to have gone in a flash. It seems like yesterday I sat my 11+, moved to Thornhill, and most of all it doesn't seem like a year ago I got my car. I still feel like I'm really young. I know 17 is young, but in relative terms here. Compare 13 to 17. Big difference, yet I havn't noticed it. Time has flew by so incredibly fast. It feels like I have blinked and I missed it somehow. I sat on Wednesday with Kayne in my arms, just remembering things from weeks, months and years ago. It was lovely. It also made me rather sad. I still havn't come to terms with not being a child anymore. I like the security of it. I like not having to do anything. I don't like having to grow up. Dam it has it's plus points, very big ones, but it also feels like I'm losing alot. I had he most amazing childhood. I guess I'm just sad that I'm in the last stage of it now.

Moving on as I'm getting rather emotional now. I blame that on the steroids but hey. I am going to spend the weekend with Cris. I am so excited. We plan to eat Ben and Jerry's. Apparntly he has worked out games and bribes for me to eat. I am scared now hehe. We will most likely spend most of it in front of Warcraft or being stupid. I like the time we spend together. We seem to have those conversations that make everything OK, make it all seem worthwile, in the middle of the night while, last time making pizza from scratch. It's one of the reasons I love him so much. Our realtinship can be so easy and free. We can discuss things from monkeys liking bannannas to death and his current favourite, transplants, even while making pizza. Its amazing. So I am now in the packing stage. I hate packing and I know that when I get there he will ask me why the hell I need 3 pairs of shoes for two days but I don't care.
Anyways I'm going to finish packing.
love nad cuddles
Neesh
xx

Some pics of the christening...

I had a post written earlier, it was to be honest, rather negative. When reading over it before I posted it, I realised that although today had it's bad points, it also had so many wonderful points. I guess I blogged the bad stuff because I needed to vent a bit, but I wrote and felt much better, and also realised that today has been wonderful.I also have to thank Mr Oli (who's blog I just found today so YAY as it is very good and very thought provoking)for my new way of thinking, or rather the way I will be thinking from now on. Something about trains, I'm not sure all I can remember is look on the positive, skip the negative :) So I am going to have the most wonderful weekend which I can't wait to begin. I don't care how much my lungs scream at me tommorow I will enjoy the day! They can have sunday to recop and rest. But tommorow they play by my rules. So YAY!

Anyhoos, today was mostly spent in bed being rather puffy. But this gave me quality time to hone my skills at Gears of War (new Xbox 360 game). I also got to get very organised and sorted for tommorow as of course involved the debate over shoes (took over an hour to decide on boots rather than stupidly high heels that I would fall and break my neck in). It also involved the nightmare 'which black bag do I bring', the sensible one that will hold inhalers etc or the tiny but very very sexy one that holds um my phone, thats about it. I decided for the uber tiny one, mum can carry meds and I felt I deserved it after sacraficing the shoes.

So once all that was done, and the phone call to the hospital. It was time to go to gran's for dinner. I have always went to my granny and granda's for dinner on a friday, it is and forever shall be, chip night in the Ponsonby house hold. My granda's chips are legendary within Derry and the surrounding area. They are the best chips ever. I don't know how he does it but dam they are good chips. So over there for dinner and Damien, Orlaith and Kayne were there YAY! Needless to say dinner was cut down to a few chips as I was too busy protecting Kayne from the horrible monsters (children) at my granny's house. It was actually rather fun as he kept smiling and then screwing up his face when anyone came near him, not fussy my godson eh? hehe. So then to get my eyebrows waxed and a facial, very relaxing so am muchly happy now.

Am planning to go to Orla's tonight with all the girls for my birthday, chinese and a few drinks. Should be fun. Am getting an early night though as tommorow will no doubt be long so yay. Sunday will be spent with mum and dad in jammies in front of the fire watching copious amounts of Monty Python and chick flicks :D Family will no doubt be calling in and such but it should be a good day. Anytoodles I really should be going and getting ready (ie out of jammies and into clothes hehe)

Muchly love and huggles to all
xxx

YAY! I finished IV's today. Pretty short time (17 days) to be honest for me but I'm sooo glad they are over. I was getting to the point of just being really annoyed with the creaking and the ictchyness of my port-a-cath so was very pleased to get it out today. Weight is up, I put this down to mum being in Amsterdam on Wednesday/Thursday and bringing back lots of yummy food and me eating non-stop pretty much since. This then made me think that the NHS should prescribe trips to Amsterdam for all CF patients. The food is sooo yummy and filled with ridiclous amounts of calories that it would be impossible not to put on weight there, so when your weight dives a bit, you get sent there till you put it back on :D. Personally I think it's a wonderful plan. My consultant didn't seem to think so but oh well. So back to clinic, lung functions are back to 33% but I can live with that as my sats are back up a bit which is good. So all in all a pretty dam good visit.

Me and mum then headed into town as I wanted to get some christmas prezzies and an outfit for the christening. But the main shop I wanted to go to was the F1 shop to get mum's ferrarri t-shirt. We were seriously upset when we found out that they had closed down!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! So I now have to order it online. Grr. This means that most of my Christmas presents have been bought or will be bought online bar a few. So YAY for not having to deal with muchly crowds and annoying people out shopping. :D:D

Oh oh which reminds me. I got an XBox 360 for my birthday. So got to open it early (now turns out I do have one still waiting for my birthday as we ended up buying another) and then spent 50+ hours on lego star wars to complete it and get achievements (they give you pretty stars if you have so many of them hence me wanting tons). Then decided earlier to set up my live account. To do it I had to change my name. All fine and dandy then goes to look at my achievements, now bearing in mind I had 16 of them and they are not easy to get, they had all gone. I have spent the past hour cursing Microsoft up and down the house :D Much to my dad's amusement. He got a shoe threw at him. So I am not impressed and I am needing a fix of Hexic. It is incredibly addictive. But overall I really like the 360, the graphics are amazing and it's just lovely. People winged about the controllers being horrible, personally I love them as it's easier for my tiny hands hehe. So all round YAY's for the birthday present hehe.

On totally unrelated news. Kayne is doing great hehe. He's smiling and everything now. It's soooo cute. He's even cute when he cries! Have attatched some pics of him just because he's gorgeous!




Love and cuddles
Neeshy

12months, 2 weeks, 2 days...

Till I turn 18 and I head to Belfast to get my piercings. I went up on Thursday to see if I could get some done. But what I want done, you must be 18 for. I begged and almost started to cry (yes that's how much I want these piercings) but he said he wouldn't. So I left the shop rather unimpressed and upset. Then came the devising of lots of plans. Now I could quite easily go down south and get them done, but draw back is that I don't get the piercer I want and trust. So I have decided to wait, to get the person I want and trust to do them for me and another thing is that I have had piercings from him before which healed really well, so did dads. So I know he's dam good at what he does. Plus he's really nice and chats away to relax ya. So I still want some piercings now so am thinking of getting my lip done, just need to talk dad round to it hehe. But dad then agreed to pay for all my piercings to be done next year, so yay for that. I am now counting down to it hehe.

Had clinic on Thursday too. Lung functions are up but weight and sats are down. This would explain general shortness of breath and the fact that my appetite has seemed to have gone on hoildays :p But at least lung functions are going UP. Normally they hit 33 and stop but nope I got to 34. You would think 1% wouldn't make a differnce, but mentally it does, it means 'hah look I can get better' even if only a tiny bit! My consultant also told me he reckons I won't grow anymore :| Not what I wanted to hear. I was living in the hope that I may grow even just a tiny bit more. But um no. So got a dexa bone scan in January some time to check my bones. I've been meant to be taking calcium supplaments for the past two years. I havn't. I have tried all forms of supplament and I can't stand them. So god knows what my bones will be like. Eek. Ah well I drink lots of milk and eat cheese so hopefully they won't be that bad. I've also been runin temps the past few days which I mentioned yersterday. We are putting it down to the IV's clearing out my lungs. So objectives after clinic, eat little and often, keep an eye on temps and hopefully finish IV's next friday. YAY!

On the school front, my physics tutor starts next week. I am actually glad it's starting soon, I have missed so much I jst need to get caught up. ICT is going well It's just revision for our exam now. History is, um, intresting. I hate Russian history, it is boring and not fun. Actually I generally only enjoy learning about a war. I don't know why. But I like learning their motivations, their tactics, and how they were defeated or how they won. It also really intrigues me as to no matter who they are, be it Hitler or George Bush, they do genuilnly believe that they are doing the right thing by their country. Take Hitler, he wanted his country to be all dominent, powerful and perfect, he saw his killing of millions 'OK' as it was for the greater good. Geroge Bush, he thought he was freeing the Iraq people from an evil ruler, when all he has done is cause a hell of alot more trouble. I guess it's just down to how they view the world. But I love learning about that. Hmm slightly side tracked. Anyway, my point being, I do not care about how or why the Reds took power in Russia, I do not care how the Tsar got overthrown. But only another week or so of that then onto Germany!! YAY!

Anyways I'm off to snooze before going and being very busy.
Neeshy
xxx

Do NOT screw with the song...

Ok so Weeds season 1 was aired one Sky1 almost a year ago now. It kicked ass! Best of all though, it had the most amazing theme song. It was just catchy and fun. So I found out that season 2 had been aired in the states so downloaded it. Me, mum and dad sat down last night to watch some of it. Now dad loves the theme song just as much as me. So picture the amount of screaming, tantrums and swear words flying about when they screwed with the theme song. It was just EVIL! They then proceded to change it for the next 5 episodes, each song getting progressivly worse. I am dreading the theme songs to tonights episodes. I told Petey this today, he downloaded it, rang me up and we had a good old bitching session. It was fun. Bar the horrible new theme song, it was actually very good. Just as good as the first season which rocks. So muchly impressed. Going to watch some more tonight. Now while I am on my Tvness, there is just too many good things out there at the moment. My weekly TV viewing going as such
Monday - America's Next Top Model
Tuesday - Prison Break
Thursday - Lost (season 3)
Saturday - Strictly Come Dancing
Sunday - Torchwood
Pete has also suggested Heroes. Apparntly a cross between Lost and X-Men. Should be good so shall start watching that soon. I am also now addicted to The OC. It is the re-runs on E4, which I am watching as I never really liked the OC before now so yes that is on at 6pm every night. So for the next few weeks, my lovely friends will lose me to TV, bar Stephen who is according to him, going to spend every waking minute over here. I do not think this is a good idea, neither of us will get any work done at all and we will live on haribo and ben and jerry's. Hmm.

Ok so unrelated to all that. Cris. yes you knew it was coming. I havn't been able to stop thinking about him. We have spent all evening on the phone since he got in from school. We have now resorted to txting to free up the phones (how good are we hehe). But dude I wish he was here. I done the long distance thing before with him. Granted we were younger and alot more immature, but the distance hasn't changed. But my feelings for him have. I love him more. Spent lunch chatting about this to Orla, she said maybe things will work out, that we had to break up, go through everything we have done, to get to now, to get to actually know how much we mean to each other. So we have decided that I am going up there this weekend, giving that both sets of parents agree. We need to talk properly about where we stand and what is happening with us properly, not over the phone. Bahh. I'm really nervous now. I want us to get back together, but I don't know if it's wise. Maybe we are better like this? I don't know. I guess all I can do is wait and see. Until then I can be nervous. Seeing him on Thursday though so yay.

Kayne's christening is now booked for the 25th. Priest is really lovely so that's good. Need to sort out all the god-mothery things I need to get him plus get an outfit sorted. EEK. What are you meant to wear to a christening? Last one I went to I was like 5!! But I can't wait. That weekend will be uber busy for me though so I'm thinking of holding birthday celebrations the week after, but then people start to get busy with work nights out due to the fact most of my friends are now working. I might take the easy option and buggar off to banbridge the weekend after for my birthday lol. Can't wait now hehe.

Love and cuddles
Neeshy
xxx

I love days like those

I spent Wednesday-Friday with Cris but also in hospital. He stayed up with me. We went back to his dad's in the afternoons though. It was really lovely. Thursday was by far the best day though. We left the hospital at 2ish and didn't have to be back till 11. We done nothing! It was wonderful! We sat in the house, ate Ben and Jerry's (by the way, never EVER have a compitition to see who can finish a tub of pish food first. All participents will end up being sick down the toilet or sink), watched TV, played warcraft, and were generally very lazy. The only time either of us exerted ourselves was skateboarding round his back garden which is tiny. I did find out I am not a skateboarder. I landed on my ass ALOT, much to the ammusment of Lilly (Mark), Paul and Cris. So that is now out the window as a career option! But I love days like those. It was just very relaxing and lovely. I love spending time like that with Cris where we don't have to do anything, where we can simpley enjoy being there in that moment. Now that he is so far away it is harder for us to get time like that as when we meet up we generally have so much planned. The highlight of the day was sitting outside, wrapped in a blanket watching the sunset in his arms. It was really peaceful and lovely. Spending those few days with him were amazing. It always reminds me why the hell I love him so much, why I will always love him and why I could never let him or make him leave my life. I wouldn't be complete without him. But the downside is, after times like this where we spend a few days together, neither of us know where we stand, it's hard, we might as well be in a dam relationship, but being so far away it's hard and not fair on either of us. Though it's not like either of us have been with anyone else recently. Bah I don't know. Plus now that I'm home I miss him like hell. I spent ages today on the phone to him, and have only came off so we can both get some school work done. Grr. Get to see him on Thursday hopefully though. I am in Blefast at clinc and am heading into town to a piercing studio, I refuse to go near all the places in Derry to get pierced as they are hell holes. So he is coming in to, partly to hold my hand and partly to get pierced himself so get to spend a few hours with him then. YAY!

Oh dear I have waffled on there. Opps. On other matters, my lungs are being nice and actually improving a bit :O Used the bird while in hospital and it helps so yay! Plus we are now doing more Iv drugs just to blast any and all infection.I also hate all doctors that are not my CF team. They think they know all about CF and can tell me what to do. Um NO! I should explain, my CF doctors are in America at the moment. So another doctor has been left in charge of us. She tried to tell me that I shouldn't be using my o2 as much (even though my sats drop alot with any exerction etc) she also thinks that I should eat more, even though with the appetie of a hamster I am eating a fair bit. Now this is the icing on the cake. She tries to change all my treatments. IV's included. My IV's and stuff had been pre-arranged with my CF team the previous week so I knew what I was supposed to be on. Oh and apparntly my life should revolve around my health. Don't get me wrong, I take really good care of myself, but my life never has and never will revolve around my illness. Plus this really pissed me off this bit, she told me I should go on the pill. Now A) it doesnt work properly if at all with CF, surely being a doctor she should know this. B) If and when I want to go on any form of contraception I will bring it up with my CF team, not her a complete numpty. GAH!

Ok so for much nicer stuff now, Kayne! Seen him earlier today. That kid rocks socks!!!!!!!!! He is doing really really well now which everyone is happy about plus he is now taking 6oz bottles. YAY! He kept similing today which was so cute! He is getting even more like his daddy now. Um bar that not much else. Oh no, he is sleeping almost through the night, well 5 hours which for 3 weeks is bloody great. Very proud of him hehe. Shall upload more pics in a bit but going now to actually do some work. EEP!!!!!!!!!!

Love and cuddles
Neesh
xx

How fast things can change....

I was talking to both Emma and Tasha about transplants yesterday and if it that was a path I wanted to take. I had decided that no, transplant was not the way to go for me. I was perfectly set on that choice until Kayne was born. Now I am at the exact opposite of it. I want to grab onto any and all hope of life that I can get. I want to see him grow up. I want to see him take his first steps, hear his first word, I want to see him on his first day of school, see him in his first school play, meet his first girlfriend. So many firsts and so much I want to do with him. I'm not ready to give that up, and I don't think I ever will be. This little guy has given me back my reason to fight again. I don't want to be just a picture and just stories, I want him to have his own memories of me, I want to be there every step of way with him, I want to see my godson grow up into an amazing young man. Ok I'm getting really emotional now again but it's funny how much he has changed my outlook on life. How much he has made me realise that I don't want to give up without a fight. So once a date comes through for Newcastle I will go. There are three possible outcomes, 1. They want to list me. 2. I am still too healthy. 3.I am almost ready to be listed but not just yet and they will review me in 6 months. If they say 1 I will jump on the list. If they say 2 or 3 then bloody YAY!!!!!! and I will come home and work on keeping myself as far as possible from that list. I'm hoping that they say 2 but if they don't I think I'll be ok with that.
Anyway I don't really know the point of all that but it made me feel slightly better. I guess that's the reason I blog, to get things out of my head and just there. So they become more real. So am off now to lay on te sofa and watch brat camp in a bit. YAY!
Love and huggles
Neeshy
xxx

YAY!!!!!

Very excited today. Three reasons. First being we found out that the Saw 3 that we saw was in fact not saw 3. Just that the person had mislabeled the film. So YAY! Me and Stephen are going to see it on Friday night now. Can't wait as it actually looks very good. had me bouncing on the sofa last night when I seen the ad for it hehe. Second. The british public have a semi decent comedy taste. Life of Brian was voted top comedy movie ever. Some of the top 25 were just not meant to be there, American pie and meet the parents, both funny but not funny enough to warrent a top 25 spot. Also blues brothers were only number 6. Alot of pissed off people here last night when seeing that hehe. Thirdly Torchwood has started!!!! I actually thought it was very good! Something about Jack though that just kinda makes you go 'ohhhhhhhh' and become addicted. Its not good i'm already addicted to two tv shows (lost and prision break!!).

Anyways moving on, huge news on the front of the halo movie which I have been waiting for since they even suggested it. Universal studios have pulled funding but MS are now funding it. Apparntly this is a big deal. I can't really see it but hey. It better not push the release date back *sulks* So with that and H3 and the other two halo games on the way I shall no doubt convert back to being a halo addict. Not a good thing me thinks but it cannot be helped. Ah well.

Also yesterday was a really sad day for formula one. Schumacher retired. He finished his last ever F1 race. Me and mum love him. He is an amazing racing driver and should have won this years title but had rotten luck with his cars. He has had an amazing career and has been one of the greatest racing drivers F1 has ever seen. He will be missed next season. But that gave me an idea for mum's birthday prezzie so YAY! She's always wanted a ferrarri shirt so next time i'm in Belfast I'm gonna call in and get her one. YAY. Dad reckons he should get credit for my idea as he put the F1 on but nope mine hehe.

Oh and onto the wonderful family from england. EEP. Catherine didn't realise I was being Godmother. She was extremly pissed to say the least. Cue arguement between entire family. EEP. I 'addictdly' dropped my O2 on her leg to get her to shut the hell up. Even my granny told her to stop being so spoiled hehe. Oh and the one thing I've been worrying about. Jamie meeting Kayne went OK. He only poked him gently but then was very nice. Possibly because me and Damien were sitting either side of him giving evil grown up 'don't you dare be an evil little buggar' looks. So if it worked I don't care. Kayne is still doing really well so all YAY's for that. Taking Catherine up to see him this afternoon after school YAY!
Ok rather alot of nothingness up there hmm oh well.

Neeshy
xxx

Poppin tabs like sweeties....

I'm talking about brufon and paracatemol. Normally they sort out the gernally annoying twingy pains I have in my chest. Yesterday and today however they are like eating smarties. I moved back onto amatriptlin last night as I really couldn't sleep. They aren't good to be taking but nothing else would give me any relief. Think I may need to call out of hours GP later today if this doesnt settle as it's getting worse as the day goes on. Not fun. I'm also realllly short of breath at the moment. Am thinking some more IV's are due but don't really want to resort to them again so soon. I know that this time last year I could hardly keep stable without them but it feels like a huge step backwards for me, which is to be honest very scary. Have tried every oral tablet under the sun (well almost) and they had very little or no effect. Ot makes no sense because I am sensitive to them. Maybe it's just a case of there is too much infection to clear up? I don't know but I want to get back on top of my lungs again. I know having my lungs healthy is impossible. But I would like a little more time between infections again. I finish Iv's and either don't feel any better and if I do I feel bad again in a few days. Oh dear this is turning into a winge. Not my intention sorry!

On other happy news just back from seeing Kayne. He was really awake today, by the time we were leaving he still hadn't fallen asleep. No bad thing as it means he might sleep longer through the night. His health visitor/midwife (don't know which she is) was really pleased with him and how he's coming along so big YAY's. His jaundice has settled down a bit today as well which is uber good. Mum and granny were out this morning getting all his little holy medals and found a prayer teddy. A few years ago my cousin in america sent these teddy's home. They are the cutest things ever and when your squeeze them they say a little baby prayer in a kids voice. Everyone loves them. So granny and granda hunted for them when they were out in august but none where to be found anywhere. So mum seen them today and went yay! It's a little yellow ducky and he kicks ass! So that is now safely in his little cot thingi. Oh and incase you havn't noticed by now, this blog will probably be filled with lots of baby stuff as i'm addicted to Kayne. Plus it's nice to have it written down and the ton of pictures for when he is a bit older.

Um no other news, my life is rather baby and lung orientated at the moment lol. Take care
Neeshy
xxx

Shattered...

Just a short entry as i'm headin to bed. I've just spent all night making slide shows for Orlaith for her family in canada. On the up side got lots more pics of Kayne. So while doing all the other ones made another of some of the new pictures hehe. Seen him for agessssss today which rocked and yay he loves me. He took his bottle from me and not from his mummy or daddy. We reckon it's because my arms are tiny and it would be more comfy for him to lay in. Either way YAY! But he is being an angel. We all love him to bits. I have claimed him! He is mine, anyone who wants him has to go through me. hehe. Um no other news bar the fact I passed an ICT test today, was a mock paper of the one we will do in January. Marked the exact same way and I got almost full marks. YAY! Anyways off to bed now night e night.
Neeshy xxxx

Flash slide show at onetruemedia.com

Overdrive!

See by tonight I thought, well rather mum thought I should have calmed down. Um no. See I should explain. Today has been fab. Yesterday was just amazning. So the combination of both has left me slightly hyper active and daydreamy. So I got to sleep last night about 12ish after frantically emailing pictures of Kayne to family (which I still have more to do tonight lol). Got up this morning, loaded lots more onto my phone and went to school. Spent an hour in history, which worryingly I done very well in. So after being given a lolly pop (strawberry) by our teacher we went merrily to lunch (its great gettin bribed to pay attention). Lunch was spent proudly showing off my godson to the entire 6th form study! Then physics, in which i got alot of stick from Mr L as he thinks it's hilarious I am Kayne's godmother. I can see his point, i am very dippy and lack common sense. But I love him and I'm sane (almost) so I'm going to be a good godmother and spoil him. YAY! Kayne however is screwed with his godparents. We are both somewhat hyper, dippy, and like to be very silly. But we will keep him on the straight and narrow. Oh I also threatned my little cousin Jamie who lives in england and is coming on monday with his mum and dad, that if he hurts Kayne he will be pasted to a wall so fast he won't know what's hit him. I should explain for my violence here, he is 9, he painted my dog and my hair last year, this summer he tried to lift ellie by her feet and dangle her upside down. I therefore do not want to take any chances. Anyways, physics was fun. We revised a bit. Me and Nat spent most of it Aww'ing over Kayne. Then home to grans for dinner. Best part was still to come. Damien and Orlaith wanted granda's chips over so gran asked would I leave them over. YAY!!!!!!! I got to watch Kayne while they had dinner in peace. He slept and I cuddled and oh'd and ah'd at him. He is amazing. I love him to bits and he kept scrunching his wee nose up, it was uber cute!! SO YAY! Oh and dad came home from Amsterdam and brought me the biggest bag of the bestest sweeties ever, which have given me a sugar high which just rocks. So muchly yayness for today and for Kayne.
Lots of cuddles
Neeshy
xx

Edit: montage thingi of some pics of Kayne, mostly made to send a link to family and stuff.

Flash slide show at onetruemedia.com

YAYY!!!

Ok so I think I may just be about to OD on blogging but I have to write this down. Baby Kayne Damien Ponsonby is my God son!!!!!!!!!! So in Orlaiths room, I sat with baby in my arms with the tears tripping me, Damien was crying and my granny was crying too. Was very lovely! I adore him. He rocks socks and is just so placid. Excuse the ton of photos but I am showing him to anyone who will look, even if they wont i'll make them hehe. Anyways very short as I'm shattered. Take care all
God mother Neeshy!!
xxx

Cuteset baby ever!!

Hurrah got to see baby Kayne (its pronounced Kain but trust us Irish to make it look completly different hehe) today. Went to gran's to pick up a few bits and granda was heading over then so i decided I would really need to go too. We walked as getting parked there is a nightmare and their house is only across the road. But by the time I got there I was shattered. But off to see baby. Oh my god he really is the cutest thing ever!!!! I may be biased but trust me he is (shall put photo's up later) He just slept most of the day. He did manage to wakin when his dad came back upstairs. Daddy's boy me thinks. And we got a smile. YAY! He is the complete image of his dad it's soo cute. Orlaith is shattered, she didn't get to sleep till 5am and lovely nurses got her up at 6am to feed Kayne. He wasn't even hungry, but no apparntly you are meant to feed them every four hours hungry or not. Um what happened to feeding them when they wanted it and not when they didn't want it? The midwife has also called him a girl every time she walked into the room. Yes the blue clothes really are a sure sign that he is a she. I really worry about that lot! Anyway back to the cutest baby ever, he and mum are getting home tommorow and I get to see him again tonight with mum to take lots of pictures with the camera. YAY!
On the converse front, I went hunting today for them. No shop in the dam town has the newborn sizes in. So I just got him lots more clothes and shall get him converse when they have his size :)

Um bar that not much to report. If there is my head is too tired to think of it so I'm off to sleep for a while. Been awake since 6am. Eep!
Love n cuddles to all.
Neeshy
xxx

Ridiclously overexcited!!!

YAY!!!!!!! Baby-cousin-who-is-yet-to-be-named has arrived!!!!!! Now yesterday I wrote a very long rambling blog entry about how much he was taking his time. Literally just after I finished it Orlaith (my auntie) was taken into hospital. YAY!!!!!! So after 75 hours, 13 baths and lots of tears baby made his entrance at 1.45 this morning. YAY!!! So owing to the fact this is only 5 hours later, they have probably given him his name (which i think they had pretty much decided on) until then I am calling him by what I was told he was going to be called if he turned out to be a boy. Kian James Ponsonby. I love it. Very cute. Now his lordship has decided to grace us with his presence after being very lazy and stubborn (just like his bloody father already, watch out world :|), I can finally buy him converse. YAY! So I intend to finish skool, head up the town and get him some converse. I may just accidently find some shoes for me while i'm there too :p But anyways, YAY! Damien (my uncle) was in floods of tears to my granny when he was phoning to let us all know. She told him off and said he better not have been crying the whole night cz when he cries, he is quite useless. At his wedding he cried, took him 20 minutes to say his vows! But all that aside, he will make a fab daddy! The really nice thing is that Orlaith sister Celia gave birth to a baby boy last week, Dermaid or some silly irish spelling of Dermot anyways. So they will grow up together and be yayful! Ok I'm too overexcited and can't sleep and this is making no sense what so ever so i'm off back to be for an hour before I have to go to school and do some work. Personally I would much rather go to the hospital and see Kian but erm no not allowed. Dammit. I will no doubt be very huffy and sulky in classes today. Ah well. Sweet dreams all.
A way to over excited Neeshy
xxx

Well I'm sitting in the library in school writing this. Mostly because I have not really much to do. Bar my ICT coursework, which quite frankly I am so pissed off with. It takes ages. Is very pointless and I don't like it. Anyways. Not in the sixth form as it's packed, very few tables free and definatly no computers. So just in the off chance that I may have an inclination to do some ICT I have come to hide out here. It also stops people finding you and wanting to talk. I'm not relly in the mood to chat to many people today. Only very few people I actually want to talk to. Don't know why though. But I seem to be getting very annoyed when people come and jibber on, yes I know I can jibber on with the best of them, but today I don't feel like my usual listening self. Oh well. Am sure it will work itself out. So anyways. Form class. It is now officaly the best class ever. I was however deeply upset that my learning agreement wasn't on a pink sheet like most others, it was green :| horrible ickie green. Ok so not horrible and ickie but nowhere near as nice as pink. So I gave Mr White a very upset and hurt face and he went and got me a pink one. YAY! This does now mean that I have to get all my teachers to sign it. They also get to comment on it. Great. Lets see, talks to much, is never in class, oh and for physics is very dippy.

Speaking of physics hurrah I finally get it all. YAY! Mr L was very proud of me today. We did however spend the rest of the lessons throughing stress balls around the room. Yes very productive. Apparntly working out the speed of them. Well that was the excuse when the head of science walked in anyway hehe. Mondays are now being dedicated to experiments. He is however very concered that we may kill ourselves if this happens. I will most likely be the first to do so. I kept walking into the dam tables today. Very clumbsy mood.

Anyways, moving on. YAY for tonight. Going to Orla's and everyone is coming over. I can't wait. I've only seen Stephen and her all week. Well bar in school. So it was planned so we can quite simply bitch about guys! Great night. Ben and Jerry will of course feature in the evenings proceedings as will the new ton of chick flicks I ordered the other day. That is if they have arrived. They better have. Oh and we are being brill babysitters as well and letting orla's lil sister have her friends round. On the conditions that:
-They touch Ben and Jerry they accept the cosequences.
-They leave us alone and do not venture upstairs.
-They clean up their own mess and we will not be held responsible for any breakages/spillages that may occur downstairs.
We will however supply the food/films and general lovelynightinstuffness. So personally I think they are getting a very good deal. I meant what other babysitters lets you do that? hehe. So can't wait now YAY! We also have a lovely home waxing thingi hidden in orla's wardrobe and shall sneekily distract all the guys and then wax their legs :D This wasn't my idea. Though I do love it and shall be fully taking part. Stephen has had his waxed by me before and was a big baby. So we shall leave him alone. It's only fair really! Dee, Colin, Froggy and Connor however will not. YAY!

Anyways this has turned into a rather long, pointless and rambley post. Shows how much I realyl hate my ICT hehe.
Take care all.
Naoishe
xxx

Teachers should know better...

Today has been pretty dam eventful to say the least. I'm glad most days aren't like this as I'm drained now and just want to sleep. But went in this morning early about 10ish to see my form teacher. Now this man must have a sixth sense to know if you are feeling down or just not yourself. So I got the thrid degree until I sat and talked to him for ages. He really helped and said if I ever needed him to just come see him. He also aragned for me to come back later after all my lessons to sort some stuff out. I left his room with rather red and puffy eyes. Its funny how he can get me to open up. He's the only teacher I have actually properly chatted to. So anyways off to First Aid it was um intresting to say the least. I think my first aid teacher thinks I am a disaster. Firstly he informed us that in two weeks we will be putting all this into practice. Outside. Now we are not known for our good weather. But he decided that even if it is raining we are still going out. Que alot of protests from the class and me sitting in the corner laughing lots. So I decided to inform him that unless he would like to take me straight to hospital afterwards I would not be going outside in the rain. This made stuck-up-pain-in-the-ass-loves-to-make-our-lives-a-misery teacher (which btw isn't the first aid guy, she is a skool teacher that is there to help him keep us under control) to tell me that oh yes I was going outside and I would be doing it. Um now I don't take kindly to people telling me what to do when it could effect my health, which duh going out in the rain for two hours would, so Becca and me got up, walked out (much to teachers protest, ie she yelled down the hall after us telling us we were in detantion HAH) to find either a VP, the Principal, a senior teacher and my form teacher to boot. So we found Mr White, he took us to the Principal, and both were horrified at what had just happened. So off we toodles back down to first aid room. And evil teacher was very nicely asked to step outside. Where she was given the third degree. Bless her she tried to say she didn't but knew she didn't stand a hope. So she has been told to leave me alone, I will not be going outside, and if she has any problems to go see the principal. Hah. Teachers by now should know not to challange me when it comes to me protecting myself. I will always win. I have the entire senior staff on my side. Always have since first year. So we went back in, and I very kindly explained to David (first aid man) that I wouldn't be going outside, and he was very lovely about it. So it has been moved to the sports hall instead as long as we clean up the fake blood. My class now love me hehe. No getting wet, having fuzzy hair and a ton of tantrums! But later on I crawled under a desk to pick up a bandage. Me being me and very dippy lifts my head rather fast while I was still under the desk. I hit the bottom sticky outty part rather hard. Bloody hell. It hurt. So we actually got to practise some proper first aid. Hurrah. I now have a rather lovely bump on my head.

After that was ICT. Now I was in a rather grumpy mood again but dam that class cheered me up. We ended up in the great debate over MSN and the internet. Now my teacher loves to wind us up by making very sexist remarks, he is totally not sexist but loves to get a rise out of us. So he said more females be on msn than guys. So for the first time ever we were allowed on msn in school. We sat and counted out how many of each sex we had on our list. Um mine ended up at 2:1 for guys;girls. Ahem. I tried to protest that it was not my fault. But nope didn't work. But by the time evryone was finished then it worked out that yes there were more guys using msn than girls. We were right and as we were right we got the rest of the lesson off. YAY! So lots of spinny round room on chair action was seen. As was lots of taking the piss out of our teacher and drawing on the board. It was quite possibly the best ICT lesson ever :D We were muchly hyper by the end of it. So by now my lessons were over. YAY! Back to Mr White and we sorted some crap out and I came home then in much more yayful mood. By the time I got home my dad thought I was high on drugs or something. I couldn't stop grinning. But GP an hour later brought an end to that. I can't take cipro any more. It is making me vomit and dizzy and just feel rather rotten. So I went down to see if he could give me anything else. Um no. They use cipro as a last resort. I eat those like candy :| So while down I got some more drugs, (saves me having to go down next week) But he decides that I really do need my flu jab on thrusday :| EEP!! I hate my flu jab. Stick me with any needle you so wish. Just no flu jab. It hurts. I'd almost have the one for my shoulder again over that (which I think I need again as it's in agony again grrr) So this year I will be going alone. Mum and dad are at work and I'm a big girl now and have decided to be brave. I will quite probably be in floods of tears but hey what can ya do. So Gp brought me back to earth and I left rather deflated to come home and find stephen waiting for me. YAY! I thought I wouldn't see him again till the weekend due to our manic work loads and him working but he took the evening off to come eat ben and jerrys with me and watch the last episode of prison break. YAY! I attempted to cook. Failed misserably. But at least I tried! But I'm going now to make pancakes (one of two things I can cook :D) and curl up on the sofa with him in front of the fire. YAY! Perfect night. Pancakes, stephen, ben and jerrys and a fire. So I am one very happy girl tonight and feel very contented hehe.

Love and cuddles
Neeshy
xxx


Oh random bit of info, did you know you aren't meant to have have paracatamol more than once or twice a week and you are meant to have very little broufen? I eat both like sweeties. Apparntly my liver will be pickiled. But it is doing ok so yay.

Bestest sweetie ever goes to....

We have no clue. It was decided that because I wasn't in physics today that the sweetie debate should be put off until my return, as it wasn't fair to good old haribo. So YAY! I was pretty gutted this morning when I knew they would all be in physics having the best debate ever without me. So was more than chuffed when Natalie rang me during physics to tell me that I have not missed out so YAY! We do however get to watch The Holy Grail on monday, as no labs were set on fire, no-one electrocuted, and no killing of one another. Although there was a fair bit of messing around, walking into desks (normally my job) and laying on tables. So monday promises to be a lovely afternoon of physics and giggles, only with the added bonus of a film YAY!

Ok so I should explain why I was off. Last night started the escapade, coughed up quite a bit of blood, even for me. So my lovely mother deamed it fit to take me to the out of hours doctor. Now bless his cotton socks, he was very lovely and I was being very uncoporative. Mostly because I wanted to watch the rest of Lost in peace. Soo he told my mum exactly what I had previously told her (rest, no nebs, call CF team in the morning). He however decided to throw in, just for an added bonus, not to cough. Um yes I shall not cough all night when it's all I've done since I arrived at your office. Ok. I laughed my head off, coughed alot, then walked out. The coughing did get some looks of dissaprovement from him. Strange little doctor. Very nice. But strange! So this morning I got up, and felt, quite frankly like crap. I rang my CF team, who said to start orals and rest. Now normally I refuse to rest, I just can't rest when told to. But today I have little or no energy to do anything other that sit here and cough. My head is thumping, my head rate is going do lally, and I am very out of puff. Not a nice feeling when I only finished IV's on Monday. So as you can guess I am not a happy camper. But I intended to spend tonight with ben and jerry on the sofa watching lots of prison break with stephen and my parents. I'm hoping to bribe my lungs into being good. My form teacher rang to check how I was doing, and told me to treat my lungs like he treats his kids when they misbehave, not speak to them and send them to their room. Now I have two problems with that, my lungs do not take kindly to being ignored, and two they can't really be sent anywhere! So we have also decided that if they behave all week, then I can have Fred next weekend! So if the thought of having fred next week, watching prison break and ben and jerry don't work then I give up on the bribery front.

Now speaking of my form teacher, initially I thought I would hate him, mostly because he can be very scary. But I love him to bits and pieces. He is very wonderful and super involved. If I have to go home sick, he rings home later that day to check I'm ok, he also asks all my teachers for notes that I might have missed that day. He is also a very good form of physio as he has me laughing peremently. So YAY for form teacher!

Hmm bit random but that's how I'm feeling today so hehe. I'm heading to the sofa now to watch scrubs, and me and mum shall order dad and stephen about all night. YAY!
Love and cuddles
Neeshy
xxx

Deep and meaningfuls...

I've been chatting to an old friend of mine, we were at primary school together, but lost touch after moving to secondary school, as most people do. But it was nice to catch up today, to see how much we have both changed and both grown over the past 5 years. But on my msn personal comment it says 'Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect, is still wanting to be there'. Now I firmly believe this. I think all relationships have flaws, there will be no perfect relationship, they simpley do not exist. But he thinks they do. So it started a deep and meanighful, mostly about love and how it has affected and changed us both and what we think of it. Now me, I think love is the most simple, beautiful and pure thing that could exist. It makes the world turn, makes things worth doing, and makes all the hurt worthwile. Take me and cris for an example, I love him, simple as. But our relationship, is messed up. I won't go into it, but trust me it is. Now even after all the hurt we put each other through, neither of us would give up the good times we have together. Mostly because when we are together, we are perfect, two havles of a whole, call it whatever you wish, but it's good. I also think that without all the bad relationships and all the hurt, then when the right one comes along, we know that it is true, and pure, and right. That we know not to screw it up, to treat that person right. M however thinks that all relationships are black and white. They either work or don't. No maybes, no what if's. Simple as. If you get hurt, you run away. Love cannot mend mistakes, so once you screw up in a relationship that's it. For me that seems a pretty dam harsh way to see it, but everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and opinions.


So after the love bit, which kinda got me upset thinking about it. We got the meaning of life. Oh dude I was not ready for this one. I never will be, at least not any time soon. So, why are we here? What is our purpose in life? Honestly I have no clue what so ever. None. Nada. Ziltch. I'm kinda going with alot of different religions and a bit of science here too. I reckon we are all here to learn a lesson. Something that will make our souls better for learning it. I do not however think that there is one being up there that controls all, at least I don't want to think that, because if there is then he/she has a pretty sick mind. Yes I know you need the good too see the bad, but look around. The world is turning into a horror movie! People are getting killed daily, they start wars for stupid reasons, when actually the people living in the country are happier before the dam war! Kids are being killed in their schools, the one place in the world that is supposed to be for them and them alone to feel safe. Anyways, bit of a rant there, opps. I also don't think we were created, as a planet, as a universe, by a god or something. I don't however understand all the science theories either, they are not completly plausable. But I think it is a combination of both that brought this world and universe into existance. Ok moving on from that jabber, as reading it back it makes very little sense, but trust me it makes sense in my head.

On a complelty unrelated topic, my physics teacher rocks! We sat this morning and had the great debate over.... which was the best monty python film! Now there were some very radical views, which were quite plainly mad. People were saying the meaning of life. They quite clearly have no sense of humour or have not seen the other 3. So Mr Lafferty and I came to the conclusion that, The holy grial is the best. Only marginally. But still the best. No-one could ever compete with the Knights who say Ni. Or the french castle. It is not possible. Yes the life of brian has the bring out your dead scence, they paint on the walls, and the stoning. But not much else. And now for something completly different is funny, but not entirely brillant, unlike the previous two. It has the parrot scene and the lumberjack scene and thats about the height of it, none of the other bits have you in stiches falling off the sofa laughing. Hence The Holy Grail was crowned the king of all Monty Python films. So we are under the promise that if tommorow we do well in our experiment, ie not burn the place down or blow it up. Then on monday we can watch the Holy Grail. Sweets included. This then created a debate over the best sweetie. It got very heated, with people rulers getting chucked across the classroom, the bell went just in time. So no doubt tommorow that one shall be continued. I shall be bringing body armour. I am of course defending the fablous haribo. So naturally I shall win, but with stiff compition from Alice's 'trolli bugar thingis' as we call them. I was also tempted to throw in the fablous sweetie bobbles, but restrained myself as they really would think I was even more insane than they currently think. So all in all a very productive physics lesson. We do do some work in there, honestly, but most of the time it is just complete nonsense. Just the way we like it. He has however offered to give me a hand with all the work I have missed during our matching frees. So yay for that and yay for almost finishing topic one! Hurrah.
Oh dear I have waffled on slightly. Not my intention honestly. So I am going to find suitably pink and fablous body armour and to find a pretty pink scarf for fred (if I havn't told about fred in another blog then I shall do so tommorow or soonish)
Neeshy
xxx

The past few days have been horrible. My emotions and my body have been up and down like a roller coaster. But at least I'm home now which is something. I went back in on monday, as planned. What wasn't planned was the CT scan, the numerous blood tests and the new nebuliser which is just so vile. Imagine drinking lots and lots of salt water all at once. Only in a vapour. It sucks. It also makes my chest uber tight and my sats drop to a scarily low level. But my doctors think i should keep going as they think it is oh so wonderful. Buggar off how about they try it? Actually how about they try the whole CF, kit and caboodle. They say 'oh it can't be that bad being in here'. Oh really. Have they bloody tried it? No, i didn't think so. So by monday evening i was extremly pissed off, mostly due to the fact that i like warnings when they plan to do stuff to me and add stuff to my already packed health schedule, but also because that place just does no good for an already low morale. Tuesday things went from bad, to completly and utterly disasterous. Ward round. The most evil, God forsaken things to grace this planet. A ton of doctors and nurses staring at you like you are a monkey in a zoo and trying to force conversation. Why the hell do this to us?! The person who came up with it needs a serious talking too. But ward round brought more unplesentries. I was to be starved. I had only just found my appetite again so needless to say i was less than impressed. Simply to find out if i was diabetic, which no, i am not, am i still borderline, i have been for ages now so just leave me alone! They also suggested the ridiclous idea of keeping me indefinatly. Oh no, i had my ideas set on home today, and with much protest and tears on my part i won. Hurrah for teenage strops. hehe. But tuesday night my port went again. I wasnt happy and now they want to replace it soonish as it is causing rather alot of pain-in-the-assness. So i guess it would be easier all round except they want to do it under local. Not very happy as i don't like the idea of being awake while someone cuts me open. No thank you just knock me out.
It was also very strange being in there with no J this week. I was also left the duty of telling Gemma, Paul and Charlene the news. Not a job i enjoyed and i don't want to have to do it again. But we had a kind of night to remember him last night. It was lovely and very emotional. We ended up talking about the memories we have in the hospital and how much it has changed in the past few years. It is actually really upsetting to think that the kids coming up will never have the chance to make the bonds and friendships that we have had. Yes it may be for their health. But honestly i'd have my friends and those memories over my health. I mean i have some life long friends from there, yes i have lost alot along the way. But the hospital has and always will hold some of my fondest childhood memories. I'm actually rather sad that at most a year from now i will have moved on to the adult care. I will miss my team, as much as i moan about them they really are lovely and i know they do genuinly care about everyone under their care. I do however want to move on, to be treated more like a grown up. Not like a 5 year old being told what to do. I know they try and treat me like an adult but it just doesnt work, they sound hugely patronising which just pisses me off hehe.
Anyways i'm going to go and do IV's as i can now make them up myself. YAY go me hehe.
love and hugs
Naoishe
xxx

Ok so um yeh my first post on here, well my new blog anyway. Pretty strange. Oh well i'm not gonna bother will all the mumbo jumbo and write this blog for its purpose intended, help me clear my head and my thoughts.

The past week has been a whirlwind of emotions, up and down very fast and my poor body didn't know what had hit it and it's only now i'm catching up to the past week's events. I spent it as an inmate in hospital, for longer than my usual 3 days, simpley because I couldn't fight them any longer and i've been putting this off for over a year now so I might as well get it over with. Bad idea.

I decided as I was going to be an inmate i should be alowed out in the afternoons, which suprisingly they agreed too. So in the afternoons i went out to Cris's house, now Cris is my ex boyfriend, long term best friend and current best friend. But i still have feelings for him as i never really moved on from me and him. i think because of how we ended i never really got any closeur. We were on and off for a few weeks, then off but remained best friends, so i didn't get a real sense that i had lost him from my life. But he has recently broken up with Kerri, now i love this girl to death, she is amazing. But she hurts him, and plays with his emotions alot. But this time he was over her, or so he said. So one thig lead to another between me and him. Not a very wise move on my part i have to admit. But all the old feelings coming back and the heat of the moment so yes. But i came home for the weekend on friday, only to find out they were thinking of getting back together. Now that hurt so much because i feel so used. Like i was just there to fill the gap when Kerri wasn't there. But i can forgive him, i just want him to be happy. So now i'm left here thinking about what i should do. Everyone is telling me to cut all ties, at least for a while, and try to move on with my life. But Cris has been such a huge part of my life for such a long time, it is quite frankly scary to think about my life without him being right there centre stage with me. It would be like having to learn how to live without my arm or something. He is a very central part of my life and i owe alot of my life to him and for him getting me through alot in my life. So thinking about him not there scares the hell out of me. But maybe it's what i would need to do. Learn to stand on my own two feet, make my own choices and help myself through everything instead of asking him for help and advice. But isn't that what best friends are for? I mean I help him alot, i give advice, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to him practise him guitar, and a silly person to mess about with. So losing him would be very strange. I havn't made up my mind on what to do yet.

The other reason this week has been up and down, is due to Jonathan (or J). He was in hospital with me on numerous occasions. He cheered me up alot in that place, and he also taught me how to sneek into the celing without being seen or caught at all. For that trick i owe him alot of missed school, so thanks to J the children of tommorow will no longer have to endure the horrible teachers of the hospital school. But i havn't seen him in almost 6 months and tada he was in this week along with me. That really cheered me up on monday to see him sitting in the treatment room trying to take his own blood on monday when i arrived. But the horrible fact of this illness had finally caught up with him and on monday night when we were chatting I finally realised how ill he had become. J had never been one of the 'well ones' he was always in and out of hospital, even as a baby. But still at 17 you think that is just him and he will be fine. Not this time. It hurt to see such resoloution on his face that he wouldn't be here for much longer. To see a 17 year old know his only fate is death hurts so much, especially when you share such amazing bonds and memories with them. so in due course of the week we gave the nurses hell, had alot of laughs and alot of heart to hearts. On thursday evening when coming home from Cris's i found him in bed, not well with al his family there, i spent most of the next few hours there and all of that night to let his parents rest. I went home on friday knowing that i may never see him again. And i was right. I got the phone call last night just before midnight. J had died around 8pm. I feel unbelievably priveleged to have spent this last week with him. It will stay with me in my memories forever. He was an amazingly funny guy who had the answer to anything. My favourite was that when i was about 13 i asked him why the world was round and not flat, he said 'Cause god couldnt be arsed to use a rollin pin to make it flat, he said it would take too long'. I mean who the hell thinks up answers like that?! But anyway, J's death brought home the harsh reality of CF and its really scaring me right now. But it also made me think about my life and what i want out of it. He had such ambition and drive to do what he wanted when he wanted. He didn't let anyone stop him. I love that about him. It made things so much more fun. So J if you can read this i will miss you alot and thank you for allowing me to share your final days with you.

Take care all

Naoishe

xxx