Sleep would be good right about now. I havn't been able to get to sleep at a reasonable hour since pretty much being in hospital. My time clock was threw out of wack in there, just like pretty much the rest of me then. But I havn't been able to sort it out. I was getting there but then I ended up being up all night coughing. Not much fun I have to say. So it's almost 4am and I've tried everything to trick myself and my lungs into sleeping. When one agrees the other has a tantrum and says no, much like a 5 year old not getting their own way. So my new plan of attack is sit up all night until I fall over in a heap. Either that or kick dad out of his bed and sleep in with mum. There is something very soothing knowing that my mum or dad are close. Yes I know their room is right next door but its still different. I can see why children come into their parents beds at night time. Especially when scared or upset. Like tonight. I'm actually getting really upset that I can't sleep and so all I want to do is for my mummy to make it all better. Now I know this is completly irrational and cannot happen, but that is what lack of sleep does to a person I tell ya! But it does on some sub-conscious level relax me. When we are kids, our parents can and do fix everything, be it a broken toy or a new cut. So I seem to have carried this on with me, I know my parents cannot fix my body, but they can help me soothe and heal my mind, which I think right now is playing a huge part in my lack of sleep. I seem to imagine it dancing around a fire going 'hah I'm in control now so your not going to sleep till I say you can' and then proceding to start making food.

This is another huge issue at the moment. I cannot gain weight AT ALL. I have been eating like a horse, even when I don't want to. I've had all the supplaments of the day. Yet I'm still weighing alot less than I should do. I am now actually getting incredibly sick of eating. I used to love food. Now it's more just something to put weight on. Not to be enjoyed. But like another medicine I must add to the already endless regime. Only this one, must be taken every few hours, in large, calorfic amounts. With people staring over you, scrutnising every morsel of food you do and do not eat. If I eat well, not that that happens often, I get the well done, why can't you do that all the time speech. If I do bad, more than likely, then its the unforgiving eyes as if it is somehow my fault that I cannot eat anymore. So I am on a protest against food. I will now only eat what I want, when I want it. I want to enjoy food again, then I might actually put on some weight, eventually.

Hmm sleepy enduced ramble there. Oh well.
take care all
xxx